Alone (Poem)

Again, I know I write downer poems, but it's how I get my feelings out. Hope you can take something from this.  God Bless! 

Alone

I hate the way that I look,

Can't stand the way I am,

Struggling to keep it all sealed up, 

Inside my head like a can.

My life has lost all meaning,

In fact it makes no sense,

Nothing to show for my life for years,

But a body and mind of dents.

Why can't I escape this madness, 

How long is it going to take,

For me to get back self respect,

Or end it for sanity's sake?

Perhaps I'll go crazy,

I may never break free,

Perhaps I AM just useless,

This isn't the life for me.

Some say that I'm not trying,

Or that I'm just a waste,

The sad part is I agree,

But the words have bitter taste.

I feel alone and scared,

And worth nobody's time,

If I can't justify it myself,

How could others value my life?

I don't know how to escape it,

Feeling totally off the rails,

Never can I speak the words,

My mind is terribly frail.

People try to help me,

They try so hard to care,

I won't talk to those around me,

It would only make them scared.

I hate to be this person,

I'm nothing but dead weight,

Ones I love are left to carry, 

Will I ever escape this fate?

I try hard to remember, 

Others have more pain,  

I'm afraid to voice my thoughts, 

Cause the truth would be too plain.

All it would do is scare them,

The ones I love so dear,

I already cause too much pain,

And even too much fear.

My desire to explain,

Is the intention of this poem,

I hate feeling so empty, 

Living my life in my head. ALONE! 

Feeling pretty down :-(

Hi guys! I'm sorry I've been absent and I honestly don't even know if anyone is even following my blog anymore. If you are, thanks! ;-) lol. Things have been pretty bad for me lately. If you have been following this blog, you will know that's when I write poems. I know my poetry tends to be pretty depressing. Sometimes, it helps me to write out my feelings. I've been feeling so alone lately. Just being sick is a big part of it, but there are a lot of other things as well. I don't really want to get into too many specifics. With the blogger app, I'm hoping to be able to blog more often! I hope you will all hang in there! Even if I'm just talking to myself, I guess it's still advantageous for me! Lol. 

Even though most of the time I have someone around me, I've been feeling so lonely. I tend to isolate myself when I'm sick. Lately, I kind of feel like some of those in my life are just fed up trying to care about me. I'm not really sure how to move forward. I've been trying my best to do as much as I can when I can. It seems as though nothing I do, or ever can do, will be enough. 

When I was healthy, I was always doing for others. I literally ran myself ragged to be there for EVERYBODY in my life. No matter what hour of the day or what day, I would always be happy when the people I cared about were happy. I didn't do it for recognition or to be thanked or re-payed. I did things for those I cared about, because I cared and wanted them to be happy. I don't remember ever asking for, or trying to depend on anyone before I got sick. Nobody can anticipate this kind of thing, that's for sure. When I realized that I would, in fact need to ask or depend on people, I thought they'd be here for me. A lot of them were in the beginning. I think once they realized that it might be more than a one time thing, they gave up. Then, they walked or in some cases RAN away. That's been happening more and more lately. 

Now one of the people closest to me has given up on me. Anybody with a chronic illness or any chronic issue for that matter, knows how easy it is to give up on yourself. It's actually difficult not to. So, what keeps us from doing that? For me, it's been the people I love and trust. Now that a lot of that's gone, I'm starting to feel like maybe I should just give up. It makes me feel weak even saying that, but it is what it is. If you have other suggestions to keep going, please let me know. 

Life is funny. Even when you know you've hit rock bottom, life crumbles the rock and drops you even lower. I'm hoping soon, I'll have a follow up post to tell you all something positive. For right now though, this is the way I feel. For me, sometimes just hearing others' thoughts and feeling helps me. Just to know I'm not alone. As I said before, I'm fully aware I can post some depressing things. However, I do it to help myself and I hope my words can help others the way others help me.  So, if any of this sounds familiar, just comment or look me up on twitter. (My info page is a little out of date it's @RosieThimmes) I've missed blogging and I hope you all are well! :-) God Bless!

Late Night annoyance

I have learned so well to despise the night
It's become so lonely and sad
There's no such thing as sleep when you're health isn't right
I lie in bed for hours not believing I can feel this bad
When will it end when will it stop
I feel like life is a trick
My health balloon has been popped
I'm so tired of being sick
If I woke up healthy I'd be really shocked
Something must be terribly amiss
To not have to see so many docs
I have now become accustomed to feeling like this
I Try to lessen others worry all the while
The end of the tunnel, the light is very small
I'm trying to keep going I try to just smile
I just hope I'm strong enough to make it through it all

Mama Leah

This is for you Mama Leah! Short and sweet I love you and you are awesome, that is all! Lol

Long time no blog

I know it's been forever since I've posted and I'm sorry for that. There's been a lot going on recently, and I haven't been able to make it to my computer much. I now have a mobile app, so you should start seeing a lot more from now on!
I hope you all are doing well! I just wanted to check in and of course share some storing I've been working on. I recently wrote something about someone very close to me who was struggling with drug addiction and some various other issues. It started out as random thoughts and somewhere along the way it turned into a song. The whole thing is true and in happy to say it has a somewhat happy ending because this person is clean now but is dealing with all over the after math. I hope you guys like it, it's called "Lost"

Lost

I miss the days when you were my best friend,
Now I'm watching the life you knew come to an end
I remember when we would laugh about nothing at all
Little did I know, how far you would fall
I miss you so much and don't know where things went wrong
I just keep hoping you won't be confused for too long
Chorus:
I want to lift the veil that's clouding your vision,
I'm stuck here remembering all your forgettin
Time keeps ticking while life passes by
I know you can beat this if only you'd try
I'm plagued with frustration you can't see the cost
Of all the time you're wasting being so lost

There was a time when I saw such warmth in your face
Now fear and addiction has taken it's place
It hurts me to see you are in so much pain
If I could take it away you'd never see it again
I kept thinking I could love you into putting it down
It's just so painful not having you around.
*chorus*

I never thought I would see you this way
You've forgotten how to live, I never thought I'd see that day
I want so bad to help you leave that ugly place
It seems like you don't even recognize my face
I know you can beat it if that's what you want,
When you make that choice I'll be there right up front
Chorus:
You have lifted the veil that clouded your vision
Now you can see all that you were forgettin
Life is no longer passing you by
You've overcome the odds cause you don't want to die.
Your eyes are open and you see the cost
Of all the time you've wasted being so lost

Glass Half Full

I drove down to the store in Lancaster 2 weeks ago to pick up some packing tape for the boxes we were packing. I remember feeling stressed and sad that we were losing the house due to the fact that I've been sick and unable to work.
As I was leaving the parking lot I saw a woman standing there holding a sign that said, "Family in need please help." I am a compassionate person but I've seen people holding signs a million times and I have never felt compelled to stop. For some reason I couldn't get this woman out of my head. I went back later and gave her 2 bags of food. There has been debate around town whether this woman was a drug addict or just plain lazy, but something compelled me to give her food. No matter what anyone says, I feel I did the right thing because that's what God put on my heart to do.
I think about how upset I've been about losing my house and after seeing her I just feel stupid. I am blessed enough to have family that have taken us in. My mother and Father in law took us into their home without thinking twice. It makes me wonder where I would be if I didn't have family as good as them, Would I be forced to stand on the corner with a sign in order to survive? How can I not pay forward when so many people have helped me? How many times would I have to endure people driving by screaming for me to get a job because I "Don't Look Sick." Would I be strong enough to swallow my pride and do that.
As I adjust to living with my in laws, I can't help but think of that woman, and feel so blessed. I am lucky to have people around me who will always be there for me. Think about your life and ask yourself if you have that same blessing. If not I strongly urge you re-evaluate who is in your life.
I looked at losing my house as such a loss. I felt like such a loser. Looking at it now, even when I was healthy I was struggling to pay for that house and we didn't even particularly want to live there. Maybe this is God giving me an opportunity to have a fresh start and truly be the person that I want to be.

I have Lupus and you're just a loser

So as many of you know, when you live the life that we sick people do, television become a big part of your life. There's only so much time you can spend reading,playing on the internet, or your phone. I find myself becoming very caught up in people's lives and feeling what they are feeling. I think being sick has really heightened how I relate to people in general, but especially people who are having personal or life struggles.
Tonight was the premiere of a show called I Used To Be Fat on MTV. I felt really great about this show, due to the fact that America's statistics for obesity in adults and teens is ridiculous. For those of you who have never seen it, it is a show that follows individual teens who want to lose weight and live a healthier lifestyle before they go to college. It's a show that I used to love. I felt the teens personal triumph when they achieved their goals and were able to do things in life that they were never able to do before.
Being sick the last year has greatly affected the way I feel about watching this show. I couldn't believe that a show that used to give me so much hope for people could make me feel so depressed.
At the beginning of the show I found myself becoming more and more angry with this teen boy, with every bite of a greasy hamburger, or every chocolate chip pancake he ate. I'm the first one to say that you have to indulge sometimes, but the quantity of food this kid ate was seriously crazy.
Not only did his food choices and portions bother me, but the thing that really made me furious, was watching this kid sit on the couch and choose not to do any physical activity whatsoever.
It was so great seeing him do the work and get the weight off. He worked very hard and made his life better. He saw something that made him un happy and he changed it. That's so wonderful!
I know this sounds a little selfish, but I want to know where the trainer is that will show up and wave his magic wand and give me the health to excercise like I did before I became a cave creature. I remember a time when I would leave in the morning, work 12 hours, go play softball or go to a dance class after, and still be able to play with my dogs in the yard when I got home. When does the magic guy show up to put me back to being active and 25lbs lighter?
It just makes me sad to see teen kids that are completely healthy wasting it. I wish I could go run on a treadmill and sweat until my muscles scream for me to stop. If I try to walk up 10 stairs my whole body screams for me to stop. Most of the time my body won't even allow me to get up 2 before it completely gives up. I just want to be normal and I see people wasting their lives.
The show Intervention absolutely infurates me! I know drug addiction is a disease and it's a horrible thing to have to recover from. I've been around enough people who are addicted or have been addicted to drugs to know this. Now this next part may make some people mad, but so be it! The part that I don't get is that at some point they made the decision to abuse a drug and essentially poison themselves. I've seen people that I'm close to waste years of their life caught up in a substance that is killing their healthy body. At the point I am in my life right now, I can't even fathom someone intentionally harming their body.
I have to struggle and work hard every day just to do the things that annoy people. I could easily ask someone else to do it for me, but I WANT to be normal. I want to do the boring things that I used to hate because when EVERYTHING that you know is totally taken from you and there's nothing you can do, the things that used to annoy you suddenly seem so stupid. Why did I waste so much time being miserable doing certain activities, that I pray that I might be able to do again.
I take it extremely personally, when people waste their lives damaging themselves. I fight every day trying to repair the damage that my Lupus causes my body to do to itself. How can you waste something so precious? I don't understand it and I probably never will again. So if you are a healthy person who is reading this, please live every day to it's fullest and try to see things from our point of view, and I guarantee you will feel differently about things. Stop poisoning your body! It doesn't matter if you're doing it with drugs, alcohol, food or whatever. Your health is a gift and please don't waste it. Think of it as doing those of us who can't do what you can, a favor!