Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Just one of those days..

As many of you know, living with a chronic illness is an evil roller coaster ride that you can never get off! I never really thought much about how hard it would really be. If you had asked me 10 years ago if there would ever be a time, where I would be limited with what I can do I would have laughed you right in your face and given you a very "colorful" answer. I have always been a typical go go go I'll sleep when I'm dead type of person. I would literally "spring" out of bed in the morning and do a whole day of work and then do a million activities after. There were very few days when I even sat down before it was time to go to bed.
Many of you regularly read my blog so I'm not gonna bore you with what you already know, but I've been having a rough go of it lately. I didn't realize what an emotional toll being sick takes on you. I feel like a totally different person now than I did 8 months ago, and I find many of us are going through this same thing.
Well my friends, I had "one of those days" today.
It all started at 3AM when the tornado sirens started going off and the wind sounded as if it would rip the side of my house off. A normal person's first thought is, "Wow I better get to the basement." Not this chick. I sat by the window and watched what was going on very closely because I knew that going down the stairs to get to the basement would hurt, because my knees are swollen and my stomach hurts so bad.
So I finally got to sleep at about 5AM. I was awakened at 9:30 by the husband walking in the door from work. (he's not supposed to get home until 3PM or so) So again, I was woke up. He got sent home early without pay because there was a power outage and the power never came back on. Normally this would be kind of a good thing, but given the fact that I'm unable to work right now, not so much.
So then, I had a rheumatologist appointment today. (enter scary movie sound effects here) So I go in there and find out that I have joint damage that I wasn't aware of before and I have to go back on the methotrexate shot. I know a couple of people who are on it as well, but for some reason my body hates it. So now I must inject myself with liquid fire that makes me feel like a puddle for 2 days after I take it.
I would never wish my pain on anyone, but the next person who gives me the "but you don't look sick" comment, I am going to punch them in the head and the stomach, then smack them in the face, then kick them in the knee. While they are down I am going to tie them down and say,"now, get up and go on with your day." When they say they don't think they can I am going to say, "Why not? You don't look sick."

Thursday, April 14, 2011


Ok so I was officially awarded the honest scrap award! Messy Happiness aka Mo Mo nominated me! I'm so proud. I haven't won many things in my life so let me have this moment!!! This is my acceptance speech!

I would like to thank everyone that has pushed me to start/ promote my blog! Especially Falanya at Live Thankfully and Monique at Messy Happiness. You guys are the greatest! 
I would also like to thank God. He is my creator and the one who keeps me weird mind somewhat functional. I also want to thank Him because he gave me the weird sense of humor and smart mouth that keeps people somewhat insterested in what I do! Plus I'm pretty sure that if I don't thank God Kanye is gonna run up here and steal my award. I love Taylor Swift and everything, but I'm not her I will drop kick that fool in a heart beat. He will be singing through the wire again!
So thanks so much everyone for all your support and I hope you continue to follow my blog and I hope it makes you smile or angry or feel some kind of strong emotion because that's what life is! 
So I'm gonna end with 10 random facts about me because I think that's what Mo Mo did, so basically I'm just gonna steal her idea! 
1) I am deathly afraid of birds. Everyone finds this strange but it's the whole squaking, swooping thing yeah it freaks me out!
2) I once kicked a boyfriend out of my car and made him walk about 15 miles to get home because he was drunk and called me a whore.
3) My husband is a red haired pale faced ginger, I love him to death and he hates it when I call him Raggedy Andy. Seriously, DON'T TRY IT.
4) I love music and I'm kinda obsessed with Taylor Swift even though she's almost like 10 years younger than me.
5) I really want one of those sock monkey taboggans but I can't get one cause my 14 year old niece has one, and I'm NOT gonna be the creepy Aunt who tries to dress like her 14 year old niece! That's just not cute!
6) I want to start a personal crusade against people who have mullets! COME ON, short or long you can't have both! It's not business in the front, party in the back! It's just a disaster all over!
7) Sometimes I have really random evil thoughts. I do not act on them but I do burst out laughing randomly. (ex. I will see someone sitting on a railing on a porch and think to myself how funny it would be to push them over. Again I DO NOT ACT ON THESE THOUGHTS. I just laugh)
8) I am a 80s hairband front man in my car. I love the music and I'm pretty sure I was Sebastian Bach in a past life!
9) My best friend Ashley is the funniest person I know. She is the human version of Agnes from despicable me.
10)Every time I hear someone say "That's what's up" 50 times in a ten minute conversation, it makes me so angry I want to punch myself in the face repeatedly! 

Thanks for listening and thanks Mo for the Scrap award! 

Back by popular demand!

Sorry about the fact that I've been kinda awol from my blog! I haven't been having a rough go of it lately and I'm not fortunate enough to have a laptop.
I've had a pretty bad day today even, but I decided to write and try to get my feelings out. Many people don't realize how much emotional pain comes along with physical illness. I used to always be a "glass half full" kind of gal. I still try to do this for the most part, even though it's annoying to some people at times. I've always felt like feeling sorry for myself or dwelling on the negative only makes things worse. Then came lupus....
I didn't realize how, something I've practiced my whole life, would become so difficult to me. Right now, I'm sicker than I have ever been in my life. The last 7 months of my life have been spent in a bed or a doctors office. Now, anyone with a chronic illness will agree, that a doctors visit does NOT qualify as a recreational outing. Right now, that's all I can do though. I was always a 100 mile an hour, "I'll sleep when I'm dead" kind of person. So this has been very difficult for me to adjust to.
I feel like my own body has yanked the preverbial rug out from under me and there's nothing I can do about it. So with that, I'm finding that the glass that I once saw as half full is either totally empty. Actually most days the glass is shattered on the floor.
I'm so thankful that I have friends and family to lean on. I'm gonna steal from my friend Monique in saying, there has been more than 50 times lately where friends and family have lent me their strength. I keep questioning myself. I cry almost every day and I try to hide it. I wonder through the tears if I'm strong enough to go on. Somehow I find the strength to keep pushing forward. It took me a while to figure out how, but it's all the people in my life and even just the people who stumble upon or follow my blog. You all give me strength every day. I just want to say thank you to all of you right now! THANK YOU!
Mo Mo, Fo Fo, Jo Jo and Po Po. (they all know who they are) You guys especially always give me strength and I'm so thankful. Thank you for always having a kind word, or just an "I understand" (because I know you truly do) What we go through is something no healthy person can get and I'm thankful I have you guys to "get" me!
You can find Jo Jo Mo Mo Fo Fo and Po Po on twitter