Monday, December 15, 2014

Alone (Poem)

Again, I know I write downer poems, but it's how I get my feelings out. Hope you can take something from this.  God Bless! 


I hate the way that I look,
Can't stand the way I am,
Struggling to keep it all sealed up, 
Inside my head like a can.
My life has lost all meaning,
In fact it makes no sense,
Nothing to show for my life for years,
But a body and mind of dents.
Why can't I escape this madness, 
How long is it going to take,
For me to get back self respect,
Or end it for sanity's sake?
Perhaps I'll go crazy,
I may never break free,
Perhaps I AM just useless,
This isn't the life for me.
Some say that I'm not trying,
Or that I'm just a waste,
The sad part is I agree,
But the words have bitter taste.
I feel alone and scared,
And worth nobody's time,
If I can't justify it myself,
How could others value my life?
I don't know how to escape it,
Feeling totally off the rails,
Never can I speak the words,
My mind is terribly frail.
People try to help me,
They try so hard to care,
I won't talk to those around me,
It would only make them scared.
I hate to be this person,
I'm nothing but dead weight,
Ones I love are left to carry, 
Will I ever escape this fate?
I try hard to remember, 
Others have more pain,  
I'm afraid to voice my thoughts, 
Cause the truth would be too plain.
All it would do is scare them,
The ones I love so dear,
I already cause too much pain,
And even too much fear.
My desire to explain,
Is the intention of this poem,
I hate feeling so empty, 
Living my life in my head. ALONE! 

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Feeling pretty down :-(

Hi guys! I'm sorry I've been absent and I honestly don't even know if anyone is even following my blog anymore. If you are, thanks! ;-) lol. Things have been pretty bad for me lately. If you have been following this blog, you will know that's when I write poems. I know my poetry tends to be pretty depressing. Sometimes, it helps me to write out my feelings. I've been feeling so alone lately. Just being sick is a big part of it, but there are a lot of other things as well. I don't really want to get into too many specifics. With the blogger app, I'm hoping to be able to blog more often! I hope you will all hang in there! Even if I'm just talking to myself, I guess it's still advantageous for me! Lol. 

Even though most of the time I have someone around me, I've been feeling so lonely. I tend to isolate myself when I'm sick. Lately, I kind of feel like some of those in my life are just fed up trying to care about me. I'm not really sure how to move forward. I've been trying my best to do as much as I can when I can. It seems as though nothing I do, or ever can do, will be enough. 

When I was healthy, I was always doing for others. I literally ran myself ragged to be there for EVERYBODY in my life. No matter what hour of the day or what day, I would always be happy when the people I cared about were happy. I didn't do it for recognition or to be thanked or re-payed. I did things for those I cared about, because I cared and wanted them to be happy. I don't remember ever asking for, or trying to depend on anyone before I got sick. Nobody can anticipate this kind of thing, that's for sure. When I realized that I would, in fact need to ask or depend on people, I thought they'd be here for me. A lot of them were in the beginning. I think once they realized that it might be more than a one time thing, they gave up. Then, they walked or in some cases RAN away. That's been happening more and more lately. 

Now one of the people closest to me has given up on me. Anybody with a chronic illness or any chronic issue for that matter, knows how easy it is to give up on yourself. It's actually difficult not to. So, what keeps us from doing that? For me, it's been the people I love and trust. Now that a lot of that's gone, I'm starting to feel like maybe I should just give up. It makes me feel weak even saying that, but it is what it is. If you have other suggestions to keep going, please let me know. 

Life is funny. Even when you know you've hit rock bottom, life crumbles the rock and drops you even lower. I'm hoping soon, I'll have a follow up post to tell you all something positive. For right now though, this is the way I feel. For me, sometimes just hearing others' thoughts and feeling helps me. Just to know I'm not alone. As I said before, I'm fully aware I can post some depressing things. However, I do it to help myself and I hope my words can help others the way others help me.  So, if any of this sounds familiar, just comment or look me up on twitter. (My info page is a little out of date it's @RosieThimmes) I've missed blogging and I hope you all are well! :-) God Bless!