Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Husband Handbook!

So my friend Monique and I were talking earlier and it's weird how much we are like! We have the same sense of humor and even try to say things at the same time! The strangest part is that our husbands act the same too. We both have wonderful husbands who take really good care of us. They are also both relatively shy and have a lot of the same habits and "flaws." We were discussing some of these things and decided to compile a list we name the "husband handbook". I am curious to see how many of your significant others share the same kinds of habits or traits. Here's what we have so far, feel free to comment or add! Keep in mind these rules are set up like a "manual" for the husband to read.

1. You are not allowed to whine about a runny nose in our presence, unless you are also dealing with a spleen with a ninja complex!
2. If you are hurt or sick you probably need a medical opinion of someone more qualified than your wife. Call the doctor and refer to #5
3. You must be sick enough for you wife to feel sorry for you in order to avoid being addressed as "little girl".
4. We will NOT smell, touch, rub or pick off anything that has attached itself to your body!
5. I promise that you will not blow up or die from placing a phone call. ie. doctor pizza, etc.
6. If the wife is on the phone, she will talk to you when her call is complete. There is no need to try to start a conversation while she is talking to someone else. Please be respectful to the person on the line and allow them to have "their" time with your wife.
7. Everyone around you knows that you are smarter than the household pets. You don't have to humiliate them in front of people to prove this fact!
8. If you choose to watch shows that lower your IQ points, you are NOT permitted to call Billy The Exterminator dumb!
9. Although most household chores get done without your help, your clothes really DON'T pick themselves up off the floor and walk to the laundry to wash themselves!
10. Your wife was not born knowing how to cook. The same process that taught her could also teach you.
11. Your wife knows just as little about filling out that form as you do. She does not automatically know how to complete paperwork that you do not. Ex. They do award rebates to men also, it's not just a chick restricted perk.
12. The vacuum cleaner can be operated by a man. There is a manual that will even show you how to do it. It's a new word to men called INSTRUCTIONS!
13. Your wife knows how to change a tire and make your toes curl. She can't do both. Which one will you choose?
14. Picking up and emery board or a tampon, will NOT make you grow a vagina.
15. Just because it's in a carton does NOT mean that you should always drink straight from the container.
16. Unless you are actually a pimp by occupation, a burgundy tweed suit pretty much ensures that you will no longer get sex.
17. I know it's hard to understand, but please don't make fun of women, just because they do not physically and emotionally abuse their best friends. You have your way and we have ours. Let it be!
18. If you choose to buy us clothing, or anything that will have to be a correct size, ALWAYS check sizes in similar products that we already have. This rule is for your self preservation.
19. When you use the last of the toilet paper on the dispenser, when you get a new roll out it goes back in the same place. If you need a more detailed explanation just ask your wife, she would be more than glad to show you how this works!
20. Although we appreciate having a man that helps do home improvement projects for us, I don't really think it's necessary to install a 700 dollar faucet with a beer bottle opener when all the old faucet needed was a screen.


I hope you guys enjoyed these. Please feel free to leave comments and we will add! :)

3 comments:

FaLanYa said...

ROFLOL!!! That's HILARIOUS! Love it guys!

Monique said...

I can promise you that when I tell the hubby about this, he's not only gonna know which ones were mine, but he's gonna have a smart comment for me! LoL1

Monique said...

We need an amendment to #18. The hubby did make sure to ask what size to get...but, you have to make sure to get the SAME brand in which the size matches!